I used to keep a Blog entitled ‘A Never Quiet Mind’ (ANQM) and it was by far more personal than the things I’ve revealed about myself in the past few months. I decided, during a black depressive phase, to close it down when it seemed like nothing from inside my brain could be translated into the written word. I’ve started to regret that decision now.
Willingly I put my hand up and admit I am your quintessential train wreck. Writing doesn’t define who I am, but it does play a major part in my life and in my sanity. I’m an advocate for mental health awareness and suicide prevention. By closing down ANQM I do feel, in a way, that I also slipped on the coat of hypocrisy. Granted, I was depressed at the time and so my mind was out of sorts. What I aimed to do with ANQM was to lift the veil of mental illness by putting my hand up and saying, ‘Yes, this is me, warts and all.’ By doing so hopefully also raise awareness and show that mental illness doesn’t automatically translate into blithering idiot incapable of doing anything worthwhile.
What kept going through my mind a few months back was the fear of not being taken seriously as a writer if I revealed too much about myself personally. This worry began niggling inside my head when The Slayer’s Apprentice was accepted for publication. Suddenly I wondered if my career aspirations would take a tumble if anyone else found out just how off the rails I can, and do, get at times. I had visions of people pointing the finger at me and whispering, ‘Zathyn Priest…don’t read anything he writes…first class nutcase!’ Or publishers raising an eyebrow and saying, ‘Not a chance…you’re probably completely unreliable…go away!’ The reality is, when I’m being fair to myself, I’ve never missed a deadline and never failed to step up to plate when asked. No matter how ill I’ve been at times, I do what I have to do and I do it to the best of my ability. I also run my own business – I’m not incapable, yet self-doubt speaks more loudly than rationalisation at times. When I closed down ANQM, I was listening to the self-doubt.
I’ve decided to reopen ANQM and keep two distinctly different Blogs. My Author Blog and Live Journal will remain pretty much the same, with writing related posts mixed in with whatever else tickles my fancy. ANQM will be me personally, somewhere I can vent and somewhere I can keep the mental illness/suicide prevention ball rolling. Over the next week or so I hope to get ANQM looking decent again.
I’ll put the link to ANQM on this page when it’s sorted and ready to be relaunched. A lot of the things I talked about on this site were heavy going and not always pretty. Which is why I want to keep things distinctly separate. I’m also going to repost certain things that were deleted in an effort to give a better insight into where I’m coming from and where I hope to go.
